Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Sheer Randomness of it all

Just another saturday night; yet another movie. Three more hours killed; still no sleep though. Ive been sitting on my chair pretending to read, all the while staring out of the window...the miserable New England drizzle, the noisy drunken louts walking back home with the occasional drunken lass. Maybe that is what I need, some alcohol to numb my brain and put me to sleep. And I surprise myself with that thought.

It is well past midnight and the entire Sigur Ros playlist has run its course. The revolting movie house coffee seems to be kicking in, a good few hours later. There is an eerie silence in the house that strangely makes me too aware of how clearly I am thinking; random thoughts that seem to be the handiwork of a brain trying to sort through too much...what is the word I am looking for here...hmm..."stuff"???

There has been death....sadly not a tear in my eyes, then or now. And I therefore still can't let go....closure is what I am looking for....

There is hope....people are moving on, putting aside differences and striving to be close again.

There has been euphoria...I am moving on in life. For better or for worse I don't know. For better I hope. Never been this excited in a long long time. A little scared too. I could take down a whole lot of people with me. I could have done without the pressure, but I couldn't have done without the support.
Catch -22!

Above all is the humbling realization that success in life is all a result of a random sequence of events...monkeys on a keyboard .... any one of which if the outcome was different could end up taking you in a totally different direction. You need just enough talent to make the best of the opportunities. The rest is all baloney.

And I wait for that one event in about a month's time. Life could be decided by a person across a window over a 5 minute period....Not feeling scared as much as I am feeling Powerless!!

An my train of thought has run its course, sadly no sleep yet.

Time for some Johnny cash......