SuRReaL - 1

An ordinary saturday morning
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I wake up, do the chores. Fix myself a steaming hot tea. Roomie screaming at the top of his voice at friend with the choicest expletives in Tamil. L.Shivaramakrishnan, Tony Greg and the crew hyperventilating in another room. A.R.R going "You are listening to Aaha fm, the climax of entertainment". I am still sipping on the ginger tea, and sweating in the morning heat. It is Chennai after all.

A screaming wail of a police siren and it is not Chennai after all. I get up turn off the heater in the room. Close the lid of the laptop playing Aaha and join my friend watching the IPL streaming online.

- Waltham, MA.
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Greed
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Casino. The temple for sin. A saturday night. I start on the slot machines at 9.00 PM, I play with 10 dollars, it lasts me half an hour. I put in 5 more to win back all that I lost and I win 15. I cash out and hop to the next casino. I sense a momentum that I have. I put in 50$ and loose it all in 10 minutes. I am left licking my wounds. A few more casinos and I loose 20 more dollars.

It is past midnight already and I need a coffee badly to stay awake. I grab my coffee and give my feet some much needed rest. And Eddie Vedder opens up on the instore music system -

Oh it's a mystery to me.

We have a greed, with which we have agreed...

and you think you have to want more than you need...

until you have it all, you won't be free.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

I hope you're not lonely, without me.

When you want more than you have, you think you need...

and when you think more then you want,

your thoughts begin to bleed.

I think I need to find a bigger place...

cause when you have more than you think,

you need more space.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

I hope you're not lonely, without me.

Society, crazy indeed...

I hope you're not lonely, without me.

There's those thinkin' more or less, less is more,

but if less is more, how you keepin' score?

It means for every point you make, your level drops.

Kinda like you're startin' from the top...

and you can't do that.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

I hope you're not lonely, without me.

Society, crazy indeed...

I hope you're not lonely, without me

Society, have mercy on me.

I hope you're not angry, if I disagree.

Society, crazy indeed.

I hope you're not lonely...without me.

- Atlantic City, NJ
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Fantasia

I have been fantasizing a lot lately (not that kind you dirty mind). These are fantasies that too much of TV(think JD think scrubs) , movies (think matrix , think vadivelu) and Calvin and hobbes (the only ones)... can do to a mind that has too much time on its hands..

Work has been lean, I am not complaining, not yet...was pretty much the same in India. It is just that, here, people work and thats pretty much it....Imagine this for fun at work...a huge hall with cubicles spread out as far as the eye can see, people trotting in at 9.00 and leaving at 4.00, dead silence broken by the occasional phone ring...Yeah people , think matrix.And the fact that Keanu Reaves is as good looking as me, helps me ease into his shoes a lot more easily. Only difference was that Neo tries to hide/crouch and evade Mr.Anderson....to talk on the phone..

In my case i crouch/cover over my laptop, always adjusting the screen to achieve that perfect angle that makes it black for everyone else but then doesnt glare my eyes.....all for those elusive few minutes on Gtalk...ears straining for footsteps on my end of the carpeted floor, looking for a reflection on the glass partition..they are out to get me I tell you.

On those rare days when I have to work all morning, I end up doing pranayama to balance my senses - sit absolutely still and slowly relax my breathing, with my eyes closed of course. These are days when i can hear the air rushing in through my nose, bristling my nostrils, through the nasal passage, the esophagus , the alveoli and beyond....This intense level of concentration sometimes cause the mind to drift, the pupils to dilate - a state sanyasis call -paramanandham. Lesser mortals sometimes belittle it by calling it sleep.

Hectic work days like these, coupled with the gastronomic delights that set in an hour after large portions of fries go in for lunch.... mean that I am forced to do some serious introspection in the afternoons...It was during one of those sessions when i sat staring at the mirror at the other end of the longish room,breaking the silence with a distinctly undistinguishable whistle that realisation dawned .... Split personalities...think spaceman spiff, think JD....

As I sat about dissectin the different layers of my personalities, I found out how much TV had influenced an innocent mind like mine....a bit of Ed from stuckey ville, JD from scrubs, of course clint eastwood and vadivelu....part calvin.. futher brain racking and i realised this is something that everyone must be having..That is perhaps the most feasible theory that can explain anyone's random actions, words and thoughts. As for me, all that i have to do is find a name that fits my alter ego..for now the supreme being....But rest assured, you will definitely find him making more frequent appearances here..

For those disbelievers and sceptics, who would rebuff my story above by pointing out the fact that I am not yet fired, my final retort is this. When you become one with the supreme being, coding gets done automatically. The rest will be taken care of by QA.

I had a chance and I blew it

Life doesnt give second chances. And the lone chance that it does give, are ones that disappear before you can even spot them. And thus the day began...I got up early at 8.30 and to my surprise it was pleasant outside. The morning routine and then get to work by 10.30. Not having much of work these days and so was lazing around office. Only to see a friend pop up on GTalk. Well, just what the doctor ordered. A good friend for as long as i can remember. You know - the kind you know are good, though you dont talk much and even when you talk it is just the occasional chit chat. We got chatting and then chatting and it was soon 4.00 PM. Tea break for Yours truly. And in the past couple of weeks one of those rare days when i didnt doze off in my chair.Back from break and the session resumes in a tone and tenor markedly different from the normal. About friends relationships and the occasional gossip. And then the inevitable, you single question. I jump in and answer that, prompt to flaunt my single status. And she says ..."mmmmmm". "What mmm?" I ask.."Well am taken now?""Whoa!!!".. though i saw that coming it was a whammy when it did come. A sensible and gud looking gal, One of the very few that i know. And then the diggin for details begins.. I have all the time in the world and she is the master craftswoman when it comes to guys. I dig and i dig, only to come up empty handed .And out of the blue I say "You know I had a thing for you, back then". And now the "whoa" came from the other side. "When", "What", "Where" "why didn't you tell me" and out come the details. And the astonishment continues. I get a tonne of advice - " you know you are such an idiot , u call urself my friend and dont tell me this. Y da. " And all i could come up with was, well i thought u were taken.And that brought the next round on " did i tell u that and so on and on?"... A stunned silence for a while. Now the doubt deepens in me. By some freaking miracle of nature, was she giving me hints?I continued the guessing game. And the pointer narrowed down to Chennai. I freak out and sign off. It was 07.30 in the evening. Time flies to 10.30 and i was sure i couldn't sleep in that frame of mind. Should I call her? And finally I do. And we talk, all the while she just laughs, all the while deepening my mysery. And finally she has pity on me and out come the details. Let us leave the details aside cause they are not the focus anymore (Confidentiality sake, and the risk of getting murdered). Suffice to say, It was like that "ONE TIGHT SLAP" thing on MTV. A hit on the cheek that sends all the clutter from your head flying out the other ear.And then it strikes me, how all these years have been about me only that I did not notice the people around me, close to me. And she makes a few more stunning observations and I just crack. And the final nail was to be a passing shot, something which conveyed a very poignant statement "for years i haev given u hints and u never saw any, and now...and now....". Well I had a chance that lasted half a life time and I blew it. Well, to put it in mallu speak"Sankaran is again on the cocunut tree".And thus the day ended.....

The end of the road

It was just one of those days. Not much work. Warming my seat. attending the odd meetings and then head back home at the stroke of 6. Chennai was scorching at 43 and so stayed around in the a/c till 7. Said bye to all the friends at work. Even a junior in the project who had joined a couple of months back.
A comfortable ride in a little bit of rain and a refreshing bath later; i looked at my mobile to see tonnes of missed calls. Called back one of them, my partner in crime at work and he broke it to me. The Junior that i had bid goodbye had died in a road accident 15 minutes back. The suddenness of it was too hard to fathom. I was listening to music on my comp and it continued playing. The fact that he was no more was incomprehensible to me. By God's grace, I have not had to face the fact of people close to me dying and so never had to think about it. But there it was. His smile was still flashing across my eyes every once in a while.
I just sat there, for i dont know how long and then somehow collected myself. Made a few calls and others who were closer had reached the hospital and saw him lying there.. people there told me.."It is sad how people in the medical field treat the mortal remains. He was an accident victim. No visible injury except to the head. and he lay there on a stretcher next to the reception."
Surrounded by friends and strangers. Friends, all in their 20s, all trying hard to come to grips. Someone asked me to come there and i made excuses. I knew that i didnt have it in me to see him like that and then drive back home.
Sleep was hard to come by. Dawn and the daze had still not left me. Rode to the GH were the post mortem was happening. And saw what i feared the most. He lay there on the stretcher as though in sleep. And the sight was even more difficult to fathom. My stomach was churning - the heat the stench and above all the tears of all those around. In a few hours time all that would remain will be ashes. But imagining his seat in office as empty - there an hour ago, but now no more, still beats me.
Last May saw another accident that was cruel in every way. And this one so close to me, shook me beyond belief. Exposing a fragile side of my mind, that i am very uncomfortable with. And for all my bravado, something rung home "Death" scares me.

SPEED!!!

What is it with man and his need to go fast? the fastest mile, the fastest car, the fastest whatever..I've been trying to figure this out for a long time. What possibly could speed offer that man is willing to pay the ultimate prize for it. As for me, it has been a fascinating journey thus far. Well, Don't u take me for a hardcore racer. This piece of writing, to put it in a Gandhian way, is the beginning of "My Experiments with speed".
It all started with my first bicycle. A BSA champ, blue in frame, with ample chrome glinting, it could set any child's heart on fire. A lot of stunts, a broken toe-nail, a stitch in the head, a broken frame and a near-death experience later, it was time to move onto better things. My BSA-SLR ;-)
A really sad state of affairs for the next few years until i moved to chennai and then the top gear. I rediscovered speed so to speak.A desolate 1 kilometer stretch of open tarmac meant i touched max speeds that my legs could support. The highlight
undoubtedly was me learning to drift a cycle sideways. Making it a point to always screetch to a halt. A really burnt rear tyre was my proud trophy at the end of two years. Oh, i almost forgot to mention, i managed to bang into an auto on my sister's TVS champ.Yes, back then the moped was the fastest thing on two wheels that i could lay my hands on. Guess, the seeds were sown way back then
A long 4 years in college without my own set of wheels meant, i was cooling my heels. But then it was a good time to get my basics right and fall in love with the Yam and that technological wonder called the two stroke engine. Four strokes can get u from A to B, But 2 strokes, now that is what u call a real piece of work. They could sieze up if the oil was not right. U had to choke it, kick it till
ur legs hurt - to start it up. and they drank petrol by the gallons. It was like the machine had a personality of its own. Mind u no two machines were similar, each had its quirks and the acquaintance was a gradual process. But when a 2S gets going, boy does it get going.That wonderful rush from ur feet up as u rapidly shift gears, leaving a huge pail of smoke on all the 4 strokes trailing behind.
Back to chennai and i still did not have my own set of wheels. But the fact that my friend bought a Yam albeit a 4S, was consolation enough.A refreshing trip to Pondy on the bike had really rekindled that spirit in me.
I had made a promise to myself, that my first bike would be an RX preferably a 5 speed. A painfully long 1 and a half year long wait, and i found my prefect machine a black RX135. After the initial touch up and the getting-to-know-each other phase, it was time to let myself go. It was back to the proving grounds for me...the same desolate mile..
That 1 minute run on a cold night on the yam will forever be etched in me. Just to get my blood running i started off raising the throttle till the whining engine became a pain on the ear. Pulled back on the clutch and into first gear and i let go...Exhileration....back off to avoid a wheelie and then into second...and my heart was pumping blood into my brain like there was no tomorrow..and onto third...and i was already doing 50. my hands began gripping the handles tighter for dear life. the whiplash was tremendous and i was already pushed a few good inches behind in my seat 70..75....the noise was ear splitting. People were pointing and shouting at me i think, but it was all a mere blur for me..and into 4th...the engine now calming down to a steadier drone which was slowly being smothered by the gushing wind in my ears. 80..85..90..92..95...98....i could feel the machine itching to go faster,but the distant streetlight on the corner rushing up on me faster than ever, and, with the exhileration being taken over by a morbid fear, my actions
ceased to be wholly mine. I began noticing strange things around me now. It was like the bike was on cruise control and i had all the time in the world to enjoy
the world around. Strangely though, at these speeds, with your eyes watering, there seems to be no motion happening around. people standing still while in motion.
My heart was pulling hard on the throttle, while my brain was taking my hands off it...a flash in the corner of my eye, a headlight or a flickering street lamp, maybe and i was out of the trance. Hard on the brakes, wheels locking up, Brakes let go...hard on the brakes again..burning rubber and the vehicle is now sideways. Hard on the front brakes let go of the back and the vehicle corrects itself.down shift to 3rd and a semblance of control. Both the brakes again and i go sideways into the corner. Throttle and the vehicle straightens up. ...PHEW..Sweating on a cold night in chennai.
i still wonder why i did that on that day..Maybe i will never do it again..Maybe..but then one thing is for sure..I have begun to understand the machinations of SPEED.....

The lady at the beach

I have made this more of a habit lately....play (cricket) my heart out over saturday...catcha movie or something...crash at home late in the night and carry the mood over onto sunday...and then get panicky by the time it is 3...so get on my bike go over to a friend's place pull him out of bed and drag him for a cuppa at murugan's idli kadai..and then go gawking at beasant nagar beach nearby..the satisfaction of wasting a good one hour and then onto another friends' place...one who is on the same path to glory as me....and then onto thiruvanmiyur beach :-)..for some more gawking...and generally cursing some people in our lives....and then push off home for some good home made rasam chaadam and vazhakka mazhukkupuratti...CRASH!!
This week was no different..for the fourth consecutive week...but then some thing interesting happened on the beach..not beasant nagar, there was the usual hip hop crowd at barista's the families on the beach, lotso cops, and of course couples cosying around without a care in the world. It was Thiruvanmiyur were the action was.
The movie Garden state was on star in the afternoon...a movie that glorifies slacking off..one that questions the basic purpose of achievement....the central theme being "lemme be...what is the rush people"...it was like manna from heaven ...but only as long as the movie lasted..
The titles were hardly on ...and my mind already started playing the usual tricks...tricks which have become agonisingly more frequent...I have managed to find solace in the beach..when alone even with company around...It is mostly yakking that goes on between the 3 of us..nobody even remembers what anyone says...everyone talking as though on some sort of auto cruise mode..all the while lost in their own worlds...i was deeply into one...as the movie went ...exploring the infinite abyss..with the hauting sounds from Simon and Garfunkel chiming away in the background..
Dusk had given way to the night, but the beach was well lit by the tall neon lamps..the waterfront was dark though..only the reflection from the lights from afar...i was sitting with my legs folded..knees upward..and my hands holding them tight...my whole body in some sort of a shell...like u subconciously do when u feel sad/ when u r in deep thought/ or just for the heck of it...
i was scanning the waves to my left for some time and then slowly turned to look straight ahead...the waves were lapping rhythmically to the sounds of laughter from a happy family ...the scent of camphor burning near a clay ganesha...and to gently shake me out of my stupor a silhouette appeared...i couldnt see her face...only a slim pavadai and dhaavani... flutterng in the breeze...of all the open spaces in the beach, i will never know why she chose to stay right in front of me...gently letting the water catch up to her toes....the crimson pavadai getting wet all the time ...a lil shift to the right and the added light shows the golden mango coloured blouse and the matching paavadai neatly tucked up in the tummy.
As she ran back to wherever she came from...i feel a strange surrealism around me...a smile on my face even.. i don't know if my friends even noticed it..
she comes right back in front of my as i am back to staring at the water...her back turned to me still...here torso a mere silhouette but the paavadai lifted up gently till the knees..the reflections from the water revealing the most beautiful pair of legs that i have laid eyes upon...outside of monica bellucci that is..
a lil more into the water this time and the added mystery of the water covering her legs fully and then revealing those baby soft calves as it went back..i don't really know for how long i was staring....or was it just staring???
she just stood there for what was an eternity and i could feel the sand being pulled away from under her feet..sand slowly covering here toes as she sunk in one little step at a time....the time and the light adding up to create the perfect moment...a fleeting moment that ended with my friend running up closer to the water front to catch better look..
I do not know how long the moment was..a minute...fifteen maybe....but that was arguably one of the most profound moments that i can remember in a long time...compares closely with the funeral in american beauty...
i never managed to see her face...only those perfect legs...i do not regret it though...probably she never realised what she had just been part of...was it surrealism or a plane sensual moment..i do not know...maybe it is just my horny mallu mindset that has been seasoned by the craft of a few great artistic filmmakers..i do not care...my only regret though..if only i had my digital SLR that i had planned to buy long ago

Eureka!!!!

Having taken a day off work for reasons unknown to me even, i sit and struggle to kill time. opening every folder in my comp i come across a whole lot of photos all taking me down wonderful times...but then one picture, a series rather caught my attention among the rest..
It had been there all long, but seeing it now, gave it a whole new meaning..
It was taken during Vishu...
We were enjoying it with crackers - me, my family, my cousins includin my lil cousin sister - all of five years old..The initial snaps had her clapping in glee to all the sparklers, the flower pots et all...and then i offered her a lit sparkler..
and the transformation was instant. The next snap showed her covering behind her mom, screaming away at the nearest sight of me
This lasted for a couple of snaps...a few more later and seeing her brother do the crackers with ease, she now wanted to try some, albeit from a small corner of her mind . Jealousy a.k.a sibling rivalry can sometimes be such a motivating thing :-)
The next few shots had her still covering behind her mom, but looking at me thru the corner of her eye, with longing, with anticipation...expecting maybe that i will offer it to her again...but then, i was too immersed in the sound and light around me, to notice all this. Unbeknown to me, unbeknown to her ...every lil iota of emotion floating around was getting stored in a bit somewhere in the depths of the digital camera.
the show was almost nearing its end. I was lighting the final set of cracklers and then she did it, she came rushing at me and took hold my hand, the hand that was hodling the sparkler. Surprised by the suddenness of the move i drop the unlit crackler on the floor.
And now it all comes flooding back to me. I still remember turning swiftly with the sole purpose of admonishing her..and there she stood, head bowed, hand stretched out and uttered 2 words "anna, enakku"..having seen her for 5 years, i do know fully well, how much of a drama queen she can be, but then i am too surprised by the sudden turn of events that i barely squeal.
Picking up the sparkler i proceed to light it, all the while making sure that my pose was just right for the camera. In all the earlier snaps, the subject of this blog was never in the frame. It was always someone else lighting a flower pot, or setting of a cracker. But this time around, i made sure that was not the case, and the difference was there to see. Me lighting a candle. me turning sround in style. Me handing it over to my cousin. All the while grinning like a page 3 glitterati high on something.
But there she was, totally cut off from it all. Concentrating only on the sparkler in my hand. Slowly stretching her right hand out, with the left hand on her ear and head tilted to the left. i let go of the sprakler and the next few seconds/snaps made me realise why pictures do speak a thousand words.
The sparkler was long and was chattering away gloriously and her face showed fear. Fear of the unknown. Trepidation even.
And as the sparks inched closer it grew more visible with the deepening furrows on her face. Halfway through, she realised that she might win the battle after all, and relaxed her face a bit. We are providing running commentary in the background, but are pretty much sure that she heard none of it.
The sparklers are into the home stretch now and the hints of a killer smile appear. The smile grows wilder and wider every nano second. The final embers in the sparkler see her looking around at all of us with that triumphant look in her face and as the sparkler dies she throws it in one casual fling, right back over her shoulder. Signalling victory in battle. She turns around and then rushes back into the house feet thumping on the ground, imitating a horse all the way. Running to tell her mom.
I wondered why this was such a big thing to the kid. Why the entire gamut of emotions had rushed through her in that brief period. She was doing something for the first time in her life. She was conquering her fear of long..fear that she has carried for the brief period she has been on this earth. And then proving to herself and all others that she was no less than her brother.....

P.S:- Stopping here as i dont want this to be a lesson with a moral at the end of the story, another to be added to that irritating chicken book series

Yo!! - ism

It all started with an inoccous question while i was being ragged during my first year at college.
"Ninakku odukkaththe JADA- anallo ...pakshe nee onnnum oru Ma....-um ondakilla JADA
kanichchal...JADA de spelling ariyavo??..." it went on for some time then...and the only ex-pression that i could manage on my face was one of total blankness and bewilderment...my mind was meanwhile racing away to figure out what or who exactly this JADA thing was...and my friends who were more educated in worldly matters opened my eyes that night...and in i stepped into the wonderful world of JADA..
I picked up the tricks of the trade fast, identifying JADA in its different forms..The info that i gained then was to prove valuable..i would soon be using it on my Juniors ....The HUNTED had just become the HUNTER..
And from then on it was a saga of tolerating JADA for 2 years...JADA that ppl put on in front of chicks...The "Echchuse me" kindo JADA...JADA that has been programmed into the brains from child hood..and then the most irritating kind of JADA...DEMO..JADA just for the sake of JADA....
Shifting the scene of action back to Chennai, I was mentally prepared for JADA now..after all how much could a place have changed in 4 years...As it turned out..a lot indeed..
Beasant Nagar beach, saturday evening..a few of us were staring at the Elliots memorial and cracking a few onliners...For ppl who are not familiar with chennai...Remember the small memorial on the beach in Naadodikkaatu...(saadhanam Kayyil indo..:-) )
A couple of bikes screetchingly pull up near the beach...the "dudes" and their "Chicks" get off the bike...and then out of nowhere comes a baritone "YO!!!"..and i was like YO???
For all i know these ppl could have popped straight off a 50 cents video...but then YO is not what u associate with these types..
"YO" is how an Auto driver begins to address u when u piss him off..usually followed by carefully handpicked expletives in chaste tamil...enough to ruin a week for u..
But this YO was different..The dudes remove their helmets and with a deep baritone the first YO was followed by a "YO!!!! maynnnnnn"...i guess that was man in a Texan accent...
"People ..Welcome to the world of Yo!!ism"
For people who have not been introduced to this phenom...u might tend to mistake this as JADA..this is not JADA...JADA is more like show off...
"Yo!ism" is more about being "YO"..sorry people cant find a better definition..with experience u will learn to differentiate..
YO!ism has now permeated into every level of society ...

traditional Mamis wearing Nike sneakers and going jogging...
dudes wearing pants thrice their size and tying it up with a long "Naada" at the waist
Dudettes wearing pants half their size ...T shirts 1 quarter their size ...BTW..i am not complaining bout that though..and then pulling the pants up and the Ts down...this i do dissapprove of
Guys wearing socks and sandals...yes have seen this a few times around
asking for coke for lunch at Andhra mess
Kids, barely heads popping out of the windows of the Scorpios and safaris..rolling down the windows at signals...just so that we can hear EMINEM foul mouth in the car...make eye contact..convey that u r useless and then roll up the shutters...this is one thing that really pisses me off
the list goes on....

The peer pressure too can be amazing...friends u knew in college are no longer recognizable.."Aliya" replaced by "Hey dude"...
a cotton shirt now replaced by Leather jackets....
may be this is what they teach u at those cross-cultural adaptability classes which i have been lucky enough not to attend..

But Yo!!ism does have its advantages..ppl who have already gone yo in a secretive way want borderline cases like me to join their ranks..and they sometimes do end up doing the most wild of things ..like getting me my new mobile..yes i got an L7...
and to top it my company inches me even closer with a video ipod....

But then even as i fight a losing war, It is comforting to see that there r ppl who even in times of extreme pressure, despite earning the right to go YO!!...have managed to hold their dignity...even when lesser mortals, some of whom r called sanoop have gone berserk...a simple unwashed pant, a reusable shirt and a RS.160 saandak...
I would like to call them the Anti-YO club..
PPl who r balancing out all the YO in the world so that the Entropy in the world remains constant!!!

I dont think people realise that we are at a turning point in the history of this country...
A war is being waged out in the open as well as in your brains..the battle between YO and Anti YO...
Let us wait and see how the story unfolds...